He Isn't Done With Me!

The morning of December 3, 2014, I went into labor with our third baby boy, Haddon Andrew Loginow. Most everything went smoothly, and he was born at 6:01 p.m. Afterwards, I had a minor health issue involving some heavy bleeding, but it was over within a few hours.

My recovery has gone wonderfully so far. Without being too graphic, I did not have to have any stitches after giving birth (which I did have after my first two babies, so I was completely expecting a recovery similar to before). I realize now what a wonderful gift from God this was and continues to be, as Alex is having back surgery next Tuesday, December 16.

Alex hurt his back about a month ago - he wasn't performing any strenuous activity, it just happened when he stood up from lunch and started walking to get a drink refill. His back has steadily gotten worse, and he is currently in excruciating back pain. We have been to the doctor several times, and I knew something was really wrong when I was in the hospital with Haddon, and he came in and said he had started to feel the numbness down his legs again. The last and only time he had experienced that was prior to his first back surgery in December 2008.

Last Sunday, in the middle of the night he woke up and told me he needed to go to the ER, the pain was so unbearable. He was able to go (thanks to Andrew!) and get the MRI and medication needed in order to see his back doctor again ASAP.

Today, we were told he is having surgery next Tuesday, 12/16, which is great that he is going to be relieved of the pain so quickly, but like any surgery there will be an extended period of recovering. We are not sure how long he will be in the hospital or how long his recovery will take, but we are thankful for a doctor who is understanding and is working quickly to fix the problem.

~

Needless to say, we are going through physical trials at the moment - but I am so glad! Because it means that Jesus is not done with me yet! This is the great beauty of life not going as we plan - God is not a God that will make us comfortable and pacify us when we are whiny and rub our shoulders and comfort us in a coddling type of way.

God is a God that pushes us, challenges us, and trains us up in sanctification through trials, not to be self-sufficient, but to be more and more dependent on Jesus and the grace that He gives us in Himself. If we come through a trial feeling more self-sufficient and less dependent on Jesus, we are doing it wrong. Sanctification is not a process that is fun - it hurts. It hurts physically, and it hurts spiritually, and getting rid of some of the rough edges of sin and idols that reside in our hearts can be agonizing.

It is easy to bear fruit when life is swell. When you wake up on time after a refreshing night's sleep, and you have a long, hot shower with a good hair day (and cute new shoes!), when there is money in the bank account and the gas tank is full, when your kids are chipper and sweet in the morning and when your spouse brings you flowers, it is easy to say I have love, and joy, and peace, and patience, and kindness, and goodness, and faithfulness, and gentleness, and self-control today!

But what about when the floors are sticky, and the bathrooms are dirty, and there was no time for a shower? The bills are piling up, the car is in the shop again, the baby was up all night screaming for no reason, and the kids woke up cranky and whining and fighting about everything? What about when the fridge is empty, and the furnace breaks, and the rag that fell in the laundry sink caused a backup and a minor flood in the basement?

The worst part about this situation would not be your circumstances, it would be your heart. 

Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Gentleness. Faithfulness. Self-control. 

Ouch.

~

I am rejoicing today. My heart is overflowing with the knowledge and goodness that is found in Jesus. In knowing that He meets me where I am, that He is active in my life, that He pulls the rug out from under me, and causes me to fall from pride to humility with Himself. That He walks alongside me, that He causes my heart to yearn for Him when I can grasp at nothing else in this world, because everything else is fleeting. I am rejoicing that He is making me more dependent on Him, that His grace is flowing non-stop into my life right now, and that I am empowered not through any ambition or will of my own, but through the Holy Spirit to hold on to more of Jesus.

I am rejoicing that He is not done with me yet! That He who has begun a good work in me WILL bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ (Phil 1:6) - this means work! This means sanctification, not stagnation. God chases after us to chasten and discipline us. This means trials to push us to Jesus. This means peeling the scales off of the dragon that is sin in us. This means the closer it gets to our heart, the more it hurts.

I am rejoicing that Jesus is teaching me about sacrifice. That He gave His all for His church-bride on the cross, physically by death, and spiritually by breaking the perfect eternal fellowship of the Trinity that we might have redemption from our sinful hearts. He is teaching me that sacrifice is relentless, and He is continually pursuing us and actively working in our hearts and lives, even after He sacrificed Himself on the cross.

Rachel Jankovic puts it so beautifully in one of her books, where she talks about how sacrifice is not counting the costs, but giving freely of ourselves. If we are counting the costs and tallying up our sacrifices in our resentment-filled hearts, then our sacrifices were not freely given, they were taken away from us. Are you filled with resentment about what has been taken away from you, or are you freely giving of yourself? Jesus gave ultimately on the cross and He continues to pour into our lives day after day, giving and giving and giving.

His life was not taken, it was given. 

~

I love these lyrics from Andrew Peterson's song, You'll Find Your Way: 

And I know you'll be scared when you take up that cross

And I know it'll hurt, 'cause I know what it costs

And I love you so much and it's so hard to watch

Go back, go back to the ancient paths

Lash your heart to the ancient mast

And hold on, boy, whatever you do

To the hope that's taken hold of you

You'll find your way

If love is what you’re looking for

The old roads lead to an open door

You’ll find your way

Back home

~

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.