A Man's Man

I have been blessed these past four years to be married to a man's man.

He is by no means perfect (obviously), but he is a stand-up guy, and a great husband and father. I tell him all of this in real life by the way, but he never believes me.

I debated writing this post because husband-lauding and wife-lauding is usually overdone and exaggerated, and mostly untrue, and the people doing it are usually overcompensating for something they are lacking in their real life, so they make up for it on social media.

I decided to go ahead and write this post, not because I don't have anything better to do, but because I have seen so many examples of wimpy men lately, and my husband is so NOT a wimpy man, that I think he should be an example (which he is in real life, of course).

Here is what a man's man does:

He provides.
No ifs, ands, or buts. Scripture says the man who does not provide for his own family is worse than an unbeliever. I have been blessed to have a man that views this seriously, and he doesn't ever expect me to work outside the home if I don't want to. He squarely shoulders the responsibility of putting food on the table, of bringing home the bacon so to speak. He has a job that he loves, and has worked hard to get where he is today. A family should be able to live off of a man's salary, and the wife's income, if any, should be supplemental only. (Let the criticism begin!)

He protects.
Many people think of this as non-applicable unless someone is physically trying to hurt your family. That is untrue. Protecting means guarding your family not only physically from harm's way, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Of course my husband locks the doors when he leaves in the morning, drives carefully, sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door, and would be the first line of defense if someone were to break into our house. But to protect something is not largely defensive; it's offensive, it's aggressive. It's the act of preparing and already taking care of something so that when disaster does strike, tragedy doesn't happen. For example, you put a case around your phone so that when it does inevitably drop down concrete stairs, your phone is protected and not broken. You don't catch the phone while it is falling and place a case around it, you know? Real men protect their woman and children by shielding the blows of the outside world and preparing them (mostly with good theology) to handle disaster.

He servant-leads. 
This is a tricky one, but very biblical. He leads by serving. Through serving, he shows true and great leadership. I see my man servant-leading in the church and at home everyday. Serving comes in many different forms and looks different for every family, but it ultimately means putting the needs of others above his own. In our home, serving me means eating out sometimes so I don't have to worry about cooking and cleaning up dinner after a long day with the kids, or watching the boys for me so I can shower, or clean, or run errands. One time it meant after we had a fight, he still brought home my very favorite kind of bagel, because it was a way to serve me. It showed he still valued me and put me above his own self even when he didn't "feel" like it.

He disciples.
This is a big one. This is a HUGE one. My lovely man's man told me just the other day, "I don't care if I hurt your feelings because I am trying to disciple you and that is more important than your feelings." Ouch. And you know what? He is right. I needed to hear that, because I am his absolute number one disciple. If my feelings are going to be hurt that he calls out my sin where he sees it, then that needs to happen. Killing sin is more important than my feelings. He also disciples his children. He teaches us good theology through conversation and by example. How does he handle life? We are teaching our oldest son that it is not okay to whine. We are not raising wimpy men. Men need to be strong and tough, because (see above) they need to provide and protect their families.

His identity is found in Christ.
This is not only the cause for all of the above, but for many other things as well. My man's man is well-grounded. He has GREAT theology. The things of this world may shake him, but they never knock him down because he has a firm foundation. Since his identity is in Christ, he never expects me to live up to perfection. He doesn't expect his children to live up to perfection. He doesn't expect his job, his schooling, his house, his car, his bank account, his schedule, or hobbies to live up to perfection. He knows that only Jesus is perfect and he can rest in Him. His joy is complete, being found in Christ and His work on the cross.

My man's man does not complain. He does not whine. He does not feel entitled. He is honest. He is transparent. He works hard. He mans up and takes on responsibility. He cares for us.  He is strong, but he is tender. He loves us fiercely. He pictures Christ to his family, to his church, and to the world.

What more could a woman ask for?

Thoughts on Making the [Church's] Bed

Ok, so once again my faults may benefit somebody else out there, so here goes.

A couple of weeks ago, when I first started this blog, I published my cleaning/chore list for the week, the days I would do them, etc.

I fail pretty often, and this is one of those times.

And here are my concluding thoughts as we read "Chore List's Obituary."

Dear Chore List,
It's not you, it's me. Well, really, it's my husband. You see, he doesn't care about you. At all. He doesn't care if the bathroom floors are scrubbed every week. He doesn't care how I organize things, as long as I know where they are. He doesn't care which days I do laundry, clean the bathtub, or bathe the dog. And so, I must lay you to rest for the sake of my family.
Sincerely, Me

Here was the problem. I love a clean home (reference my very first post). That's not the problem. The problem was, I thought in my mind that I was serving my family in the best way by giving them a clean home at all times. But, I was only serving me. My sons and husband do not care about cleanliness as much as I do. They don't want to live like slobs (obviously), but my cleanliness was interfering with my ability to serve them in the ways they would appreciate more, and not ways I would appreciate more.

For example, my husband likes when I actually shower, get dressed, and do my hair and makeup for the day (Imagine that!). The problem was, on heavy cleaning days, I would get distracted and he would come home and I would still be in what I affectionately call my work clothes, and what the rest of the world calls sweatpants.

And so, I have now resolved to be more flexible in my cleaning (by throwing out the schedule) to better serve my family & husband by actually getting ready every day and not worrying about super perfect cleanliness.

NOW.

Let me leave you with this charge.

In what ways are you clinging to a chore list in your home life or church life?

What areas are you serving in? Are you doing it because you think it serves other people, but it's really only serving yourself?

Open your eyes. Look around. What are the real needs of the people closest to you? What would they like in the way of service? Ask them. What does God require in the way of service? Ask Him.

This is a tricky one, because in many ways we think we are serving God and others, when really we are just serving in the way we like to serve. Ouch. Chew on that for a while.

If we are not willing to lay down or effectively kill our chore lists for the sake of our families, then our chore lists have become our idols. If we are not willing to be flexible and adapt to the ever-changing needs of our families and church bodies, then what type of service is that? I'll tell you -  Idol worship.

And that's hard to hear, because many of us like to serve, which is a good thing. The problem comes when our service becomes our ultimate thing that we are finding value and worth in. If you cannot lay your service down and walk away from it, then it's a problem.

So go re-evaluate your life and your service. Ask your family and your church in what ways you can serve them best. And if you need to, kill your chore list.

Don't stop serving, but maybe tweak it a little so you're more bearable to those around you.

At the very least, get dressed for the day. 

Church Family

Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. - Lilo & Stitch

I am having a hard time organizing my thoughts, so stick with me. We will see where this goes.

This has been bothering me lately - the fact that church isn't viewed as a family.
Families are the foundation of societies, the keeper of generations past, the strongest relationships one will ever have, and the fertile soil on which spiritual growth flourishes.

Church today is viewed as a business. People come with the thoughts of: How can this work for me? Are these people going to be friendly towards me and my family? How can I keep my skeletons hidden in my closet? What programs will cater to my needs? What programs will cater to my children's needs? What can the church do to serve me? Churches then fall into this trap: How can we market or advertise ourselves so more people will come? Who can we hire to maintain our cool image and keep up with modern design? How can we attract wealthier clients to give more towards our "cause"?

How about family? I don't know about you, but our family is messy. We don't all like the same things. We are loud, we are crazy, we are late to things, we are obnoxious, and we get on each other's nerves. We are brutally honest, we rebuke each other and we fight.

BUT

We repent. We are forgiving. We give grace and apply grace to every area of each other's lives. We cover each other in love, and at the end of the day, we always say "I love you." We laugh with each other, cry with each other, grieve with each other. We fight for each other. We are loved and we are accepted. We are blessed.

When there is a problem, you try to find a solution. You compromise. When you fight with someone, you work it out, make up, and continue on better for the experience. It doesn't help to just leave or walk out, because at some point you have to come back to your family and the longer it continues on, it could get awkward. (Especially if you run into them at the grocery store, for crying out loud!)

Any family that is a broken family will tell you that it hurts. It hurts when people that you love leave you. It hurts when they go and try to find solace somewhere else, or with someone else. The family will say, but we laughed with you, cried with you, celebrated with you, grieved with you, mourned with you, helped you, fought for you. We loved you! And the person who leaves is basically saying it wasn't enough.

You weren't good enough for me.

Um, Excuse me? I wasn't good enough for you? We weren't good enough for you? Just exactly who do you think you are?

Jesus Christ came to this earth to die for his church. He relentlessly pursues her, despite her flaws and failings. We have to be conformed to Christ and His image, and to do that, we must love what he loves. Guess what he loves? HIS CHURCH. It's messy. It's flawed. It fails in many ways. But as long as the preaching of the Word of God is maintained, the Holy Spirit will do his work. None of us are perfect, which makes for a very imperfect church. But trust the gospel. The preaching of the gospel always brings change. The church is ever evolving, ever changing, for the better. If you don't like how your church family does things exactly, stick around. Change will come.

But you don't leave your family because you don't like the same music as they do. You don't leave your family because you had a disagreement with your parents. That's called being immature in the real world. It's called not facing the music. But for some reason, when it comes to the church family, it is completely accepted.

And if you are reading this and are even considering the possibility of bailing on your church family, this is your sign. DON'T DO IT. Stop. Repent of your pride and your selfishness and your sin. Go to your family, ask for forgiveness, and move forward. If there needs to be some changes in your church, work hard to make them happen. Don't rely on leadership to do or think of everything. It takes all members of the body to function. And if that means I am a little toe toenail, then so be it. I need my little toe toenail, thank you very much. Without it, I would look weird.

If this post made you uncomfortable, good. We accept you and we love you, but we will tell it like it is.

Welcome to the family. 

A Beautiful Poem for Mother's Day

The Wide Spectrum of Mothering 

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you.

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you.

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of
food stains – we appreciate you.

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running
away—we mourn with you.

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears,
and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you.

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate
with you.

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children –
we sit with you.

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you.

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we
acknowledge your experience.

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of
motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst.

To those who have aborted children - we remember them and you on this day.

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children -
we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be.

To those who step-parent - we walk with you on these complex paths.

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to
be - we grieve with you.

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice
with you.

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we
anticipate with you.

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and
we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

By Amy Young (http://messymiddle.com)