A Tribute to My Little Men

I wanted to write this letter to you, Alex, Jack, and Haddon, to tell you how much I love you. I am amazed and in awe of the little people that you are, and who you are growing up to be. Of course you are sinners in rebellion against God right now, and I pray every day for Him to change you, but this letter isn't going to be about that. I acknowledge that enough in our day-to-day lives, and I promise I will try to protect you by not constantly complaining and telling others about your sin - we will keep that between us.

I know you are young, my sweet children. Your dad and I are looked at as crazy for having three of you under the age of four, but the truth is, we wanted you so close so that you would grow up to be the best of friends. Alex and Jack, you are already showing that friendship between you, most of the time. I love telling people that there is no Jack without Alex, or Alex without Jack. Of course, you have your days when you get on each other's nerves, but you are together pretty much around the clock every day of the week, so that's understandable. I am so excited for you, Haddon, to grow up to get to know your big brothers and to start interacting and playing with them.

I am greatly anticipating the long summer days of boyhood, of running outside and riding bikes and climbing trees, of building forts and discovering bugs and finding stars, and the sweaty foreheads that will be drinking lemonade around my kitchen table when you need a cool-down and a break. I want you three boys to know that I am thrilled to be your mom and to have the privilege of sharing your life with you.

Alex Jr. - You are my firstborn son, but you will always be my baby. Your dad and I wanted you so much, and you were born so perfect and healthy. You taught me about motherhood, and I am continually learning as we go along, because you inevitably are the first to grow up. Along with that comes a stretching of my heart, as I already ache for your baby days that are behind you, but am so proud of the young man you are becoming. Thank you for being patient with me as I am continually learning from you how to mother a young man. You are a great teacher, and a kind and patient one. You are so smart, and your memory is outstanding. I am proud of your willingness to follow rules, and how well you play with others. I love that you love books. You are a kind leader and teacher to your siblings and peers. Thank you for always trying to communicate with me. I pray we never lose that. You are such a sweet big brother - I love how you come up with affectionate nicknames for Jack, like Cuppy and Kiki. You give him so much assurance when he is scared or sad, and you always say, "What's wrong Kiki?" You have been his advocate from the beginning, and you try to translate to me his wants and needs. I know Jack adores you, and Haddon does too, as you call him your "sweet buddy," and comfort him with his blanket and pacifier. I love how you want to be close to people, and I will hold you in my lap and in my arms for as long as I can, but I want you to know that I will always hold you in my heart. You are incredible, Alex Jr., and I love you with everything that I am.

Jack - You are my second-born son, but you will always be my baby. Your dad and I wanted you so much, and you were born, my amazing little man, with Hirschsprung's Disease. You taught me about God. You taught me from one to two days old, and even after that as we embarked on this medical journey, that I needed to trust God with everything that I have. You, my dear one, made me truly realize that life is from God, and that it is a miracle. From the instant He created you at conception, to forming you in the womb, to keeping you through birth, He is the author of life. He sustained you then, through life-threatening illness, surgery, and recovery (twice), and He sustains life now through every breath that you and I breathe. With every beat of your heart and mine, He is ordaining our length of days. You are the sweetest little man. You are a tender and sensitive soul, and you are very polite, always saying please and thank you. I love that you love to eat, always asking for food, a true boy. You love to laugh, and to run around, and your vocabulary is great. Your new favorite phrase is, "look at meeeeee!!!" You are a thrill-seeker, loving when daddy chases you, wrestles with you, and throws you in the air. You climb on everything, and although you had a late start to walking, you would never know it now as you are running all over the place. Never was I so thrilled for a baby to walk as I was when you took your first steps. You make me laugh when I get stern with you, and you just respond with, "Okayy, mom." or "this way?" It is so innocent, and I can't help but break down my hardness and melt when you have the sweetest responses to my harsh commands. I'm so glad that you love your baby brother, Haddon, and you show your love by calling him your "sweet buddy" and rubbing his head. You have the best relationship with Dallas, chasing him, loving on him, and calling him your "sweet dog." I love that you love to snuggle, and I will hold you in my lap and in my arms for as long as I can, but I want you to know that I will always hold you in my heart. You are incredible, Jack, and I love you with everything that I am.

Haddon - You are my third-born son, but you will always be my baby. Your dad and I wanted you so much, and you were born so perfect and healthy. It has only been two and a half months that I have spent holding you in my arms, but you have taught me about myself. I was nervous to go from two babies to three in such a short period of time, but you are such an easy baby. The transition was flawless, and I thank you for making it so. I am such a proud mama to you, and you reassured me that I do know what I am doing, and that God gives grace and strength for what He asks us to do. Thank you for already sleeping through the night so that I am able to have some respite during the evening hours. I know you love and adore your big brothers already, as you gaze at them in wonder when they come to talk to you, hold you, and spend time with you. I am excited for you as I am watching you grow, remembering and cherishing all the little baby things you learn at this stage - you are smiling and babbling, wanting to sit up and out, kicking and finding your legs and discovering what those little tiny hands and fingers can already do. I absolutely adore you, and you are such a beautiful baby. I am anticipating you growing up, along with your brothers, as you make your place in this world. You already have a place in our family forever, I will hold you in my lap and in my arms for as long as I can, but I want you to know that I will always hold you in my heart. You are incredible, Haddon, and I love you with everything that I am.

To my two babies that I lost - You dad and I wanted you so much. I was your mom for just a very short time in the perspective of human eyes, and you taught me about grief, but mostly about Jesus. I learned that God is good, and He gives good things to those who ask. Even though I lost you, I am able to more fully appreciate my three boys, and to not take them for granted. You taught me that. I learned that parenthood and motherhood are not always visible, as there have been millions of babies who lived inside the dark and warmth of their moms for just a few short weeks before Jesus called them to Himself. I don't know why, and I can't explain it fully, but I do know that in this way Jesus is building His kingdom, and that you are a part of it. I am so proud that God gave you to me for just a little while. I can't wait to meet you!! I know I wasn't called to teach you about Jesus in this life, but I know you will teach me about Jesus when I meet you, as you have been spending time in His presence. I learned that people grieve differently, as your dad and I both tried to process our loss. I learned that life is life from conception, and it is silly to wait to announce pregnancies until everything is "fine," because that is disrespectful to the life, your life, that you did live inside of me. We rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep, even if it means a miscarriage. I want you to know that I will always hold you in my heart. You are incredible, my sweet babies, and I love you with everything that I am. Until we meet again, xoxo.