It's Time for Action: An Open Letter to Married Women

To all my married lady friends, young and old: 

It's time for action. 

Action.

As in, did you get any action last night? 

You get my drift.

I'm going to be blunt and speak the truth in love: have sex with your husband. 

Did you hear? Did it click? 

I'll say it again. 

HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND!

I have heard too many stories from women and men practicing "married abstinence" for weeks, months... Heaven forbid... YEARS?! 

(Years is not "a limited time for devoting yourselves to prayer", by the way, which is the only reason the Bible gives to abstain from married sex.)

Ladies, let this not be so. I beg of you, let it not be so. 

It is easy to think of sex as a man's weakness, but actually it was a gift given to both men and women. In the right context (marriage), sex is celebratory and wonderful, an intimate union given to both people to grow closer together physically by helping us to relax, mentally and emotionally by helping us to reduce stress, and spiritually. 

Yes, this is a spiritual issue.

Paul tells us to give conjugal rights to our husbands and to not deprive one another of this marital gift (see 1 Corinthians 7:1-5). 

Sex does not produce healthy marriages (animal action all day does not equal open and transparent communication in other areas of life), but sex is definitely a product of a healthy marriage. 

I am not here to tell you how to do it (use your imagination), when to do it (morning, noon, or night), where to do it (get creative!), but I am here to tell you that marriage is the only context for sex. This means that you are the only person in the world who can and should have sex with your husband. This also means that withholding sex is unbiblical, and the frequency should be considered regular to high (the more, the better!). 

It is so easy for ladies to slip beneath the busy coma of everyone and everything that need us, especially after having children, that we collapse into bed at night and forget to meet the needs of the person most important to us - our husbands. Let's be honest: women have a primary bend toward emotions, and men have a primary bend toward sex. This is good, this is right, this is how God created us. We want our men to want us, don't we? Let's show them we want them, too.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but it's something we all need reminding of. Having sex with your man and satisfying him physically inclines him to tend to your emotional needs, which in turn satisfies you and makes you want to physically be with him more often. See how this beautiful, God-created cycle works?  As you both fill each other with love in gender-specific ways, the more you want to give to the other person. 

Imagine if our men withheld heartfelt conversation and emotional bonding from us as much as women sometimes withhold sex. Wouldn't it break our hearts? Wouldn't we grow bitter and cold, distant, angry about the lack of communication?

Why are we sexually starving our husbands?

Imagine a scenario with me: a pampered dog that is well-fed in the beginning of his life, never having to worry about where his next meal is coming from. He has all he could ever want or need. He is usually calm and content, happy to show love to his family, and is eager to see them. He is playful and fun. Imagine now that he starts getting his food withheld from him, a day here, a day there. A couple days here, a couple more days there. Pretty soon, time starts building and building, and the owner thinks, Oh, I don't have time to feed the dog. I am too tired to feed the dog. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better, or have more time. But the tomorrows build up and up. The dog grows hungrier and hungrier. He gets mean, and he gets restless. He may withdraw. His tail droops, and his fur starts falling out. He isn't happy to see you anymore. He either starts stealing food that isn't his from the children, the table, or the garbage can, wherever he can find it, OR he slowly dies from starvation. Maybe both. 

This scenario is obviously horrifying, and we are just talking about a little dog here. 

Imagine what our withholding sex is doing to husbands that perceive that to be the ultimate expression and form of love. They'll either steal what isn't theirs, or slowly die of starvation. 

In regards to pornography and other types of marital infidelity, we scoff about self-control, and how men should learn to control themselves. This is rarely the issue. If our husbands were well-fed, they wouldn't be searching for the food anywhere else. 

Remember in the beginning, when you couldn't keep your hands off of him? Why is that gone? A major part of dating in a relationship is meant for the man to build you up emotionally to prepare you for the marriage bed, so that you'll trust him and want to give yourself to him. This should be continuous on your part. If you think he doesn't "deserve" it on a particular day, get a grip. He married you, so he doesn't need to "earn" anything more than that. Ever. Stop withholding yourself as a punishment or threat, ladies, and recognize/repent of your Genesis 3 curse of your desire for control (this strongly manifests itself in the sexual relationship), and then go jump into the arms of that man you swore you would love forever and ever until death do you part. 

So ladies, chin up! Get dressed! Put on make-up and do your hair! Go to Victoria's Secret, or Lover's Lane (sex stores = married stores, don't be shy), and pick out something you think he'll like. Start stoking the fire. Send a nice text: thinking of you. can't wait for you to get home. xoxo. If you want to go bold, start quoting some Song of Solomon (some steamy stuff!), or even dare to bare as much or as little as you want to (Ah, Scandalous! Come on, if sexting is for anyone, it should be for us.) Be flirty, daring, and fun. You will definitely surprise your husband, maybe even yourself! 

Let's be bold in the face of culture. Let's rev up our sexiness to our husbands and lovingly show the culture that we have healthy, vibrant marriages, including the marriage bed. Let's show them that the way of their sexual expression and freedom leads to bondage, brokenness, darkness, and death, but that the way of God leads to light and life, full of joy and all good things, and overflowing with love for each other. We will benefit, our children will benefit, the church will benefit, and most of all, the glory of God will be revealed through our obedience and faithfulness (and it's so fun!). 

Ladies, go home tonight and feed your husband. And then tomorrow. And the next day and the next and the next, until you both are so full of love you can hardly stand it, and others start to notice and want your secret, and then keep going.